Peak Performance

When one of my daughters was in first grade, she had a crush on a boy in her class. She had great taste - he was the sweetest boy who also happened to be the smartest and cutest boy in the class. She was not the only one crushing on him. I remember laughing about his "in demand" status with his mom who thought it was all very adorable but admitted she was concerned he might be peaking too early. I dismissed the possibility at the time but have thought about it recently. Kids today do accomplish so much when they're young; could some of them be peaking too early and, if so, what does that mean?

I used to know a woman that I revered as a child. She was a world traveler who was interesting, charming, funny, eclectic and energetic. She had three kids and poured every ounce of herself into them when they were very young and, through it all, remained an interesting, charming, funny, eclectic and energetic woman who continued to travel the globe. And then she wasn't and she didn't. I don't know if baggage from her own youth caught up with her and took over or if she just peaked early, exhausted herself and then never recovered. No matter how you look at it, the result was tragic. I will grant you that it would have been far more tragic if she had indeed peaked as a child and never accomplished the many things she did. But I don't actually believe that children can peak too early. Frankly, I'm just not that pessimistic. I think children possess boundless potential and there's always more they can do, explore and experience. However, I can't help but wonder if there is a point of peakness later on, after which you peak no more. I'd like to believe that though individual experiences end, there's always something more out there. If you're engaged in an experience that has ceased to bring you joy and satisfaction, maybe it's time to seek out a new adventure so you can peak anew. And don't forget to find some time to rest along the way - conserve some of your energy for the peaking that has yet to happen.

All this peak talk has me thinking about mountains and mountains make think of Grace Lin's Where the Mountain Meets the Moon. This book is perfect for middle graders, particularly those with an interest in life and culture beyond their own experience. Minli's quest to find the Old Man in the Moon who holds the book of fortune is empowering as it is the tale of a young girl who takes it upon herself to improve her family's situation. It is also incredibly enchanting and entertaining with its beautiful storytelling that incorporates Chinese folktales, in an of themselves some of the most wonder4ful stories ever told.

Who's the boss?

Some time ago, I addressed the issue of working-outside-the-home moms vs. stay-at-home moms. I shared my distaste for the the phrase "full time mom", which continues to make me bristle each time I hear or read it because it seems to be applied only to stay-at-home moms. This happens more frequently than you might think. Any mom worth anything is a full-time mom and when it's applied to moms who stay at home, those of us who work outside of the home get understandably (I think) defensive. While I hate the phrase, I love the fact that many women have a choice. With that choice, though, comes a responsibility to our children. Just as we should not be judging one another's choices, we should be teaching our children not to judge either. From toddlerhood on, most parents and schools are all over kids about being accepting of one another's differences - but what about when it comes to moms?

A few days ago, I was shocked to hear about a teenage girl disparaging someone else's mom who works as a store manager*. When we're teaching our kids respect and acceptance, we should be broadening the scope of those lessons. The messages we convey to our kids - through our words and our behavior - deserve careful thought and consideration. Why is it that so many people feel comfortable rushing to judgment about others? Could it be that we are feeding off our own insecurities and then passing them onto our kids? Time to end the cycle.

*Just a point of clarification here - the young person in question seemed to be looking down on the woman's profession. This may not have been the best example to illustrate the point. I have overheard kids disparaging moms who don't work and moms who do.  This just happened to be an example of taking the criticism to the next level so I found it interesting and disconcerting.

In reality, every mom is a full time mom and a working mom. And we all work hard and deserve more respect (and better pay) than we get. Some of us have one boss and some have several and they're all pretty demanding. There's really only book that sums it up aptly and that's Marla Frazee's The Boss Baby. The baby gets all the executive perks while running his overworked staff of two ragged. Such fun!

Friend Drama

Details of friend drama are constantly being shared in my household. Sometimes it's amusing, sometimes it's annoying and sometimes it's heart-wrenching. Our kids find no comfort in hearing that this drama is age-appropriate for tween and teenage girls. They care that the drama affects the social balance they seek in their lives and they care when it makes them feel insecure. Or more insecure - because it's the rarest of tween or teen girls who feels tremendously secure. The message that someone might be a real friend even if they're not treating you well at the moment or that even nice girls do mean things are tough messages for kids to swallow. But insecurity can alter one's universe, can't it? For parents, it's often more difficult to accept that even one of our own "nice" kids is capable of making someone else feel bad but we're fools if we don't. The way kids react to friend  drama says a lot about them and probably offers some hints for dealing with the situation. While every child is different, I think it's always important to find that balance between insensitivity and hypersensitivity - it sounds obvious but it's not always a clear goal, which may be a mistake. When we tell our children they're being too sensitive, we need to explain what that means. When we tell them to develop a thicker skin, we may be inadvertently pushing them to the other extreme and when they're there, they may well become the perpetrators. At the end of the day, kids need to grow up recognizing they're part of a world that's bigger than them and they need to learn to function cooperatively and collaboratively in the world. To do so successfully, requires a balanced degree of sympathy and even empathy. It's probably safe to say that we all know adults who never learned this lesson all that well - don't we need to do what we can to ensure that our kids do so much better?!

5-10 year-olds will delight in the dramatic antics of friends Bink & Gollie in Kate DiCamillo and Alison McGhee's tales of friendship, illustrated by Tony Fucile.  These polar opposite best friends have strong personalities and genuine fondness and loyalty for one another. On a personal note, I love the fact that one is tall and the other is tiny. I was the tall girl growing up and one of my best friends was tiny. The same is true for each of my daughters. We're all convinced that we've chosen these friends and they've chosen us for something far more profound than size but who knows, maybe size is a factor!

For a slightly more sophisticated read, kids 9-14 who are a little tired of human friends may enjoy The Friendship Doll by Kirby Larson. The true story is that in the 1920s, 58 dolls were sent as ambassadors of friendship from the children of Japan to the children of the United States. This is the fictionalized story of one of them, Miss Kanagawa.The Depression-era story follows the doll as she is sent around the country. It is a story about the doll as well as each of the girls whose lives she touches. I love historical fiction that focuses on a little known historical fact or point in time that is given a new life. This tale of global friendship is a winner.

Hack me once shame on me, hack me twice...

As technology continues to revolutionize our world, the associated vocabulary continues to expand. Hacking used to relate to coughing or chopping something with an axe or cleaver. It now means gaining access to a computer and viewing, copying, or creating data, generally without the intention of destroying data or maliciously harming the computer (the malicious side of things, per Urban Dictionary, is called "cracking") At some point, "hacking" morphed into the kind of high tech covert operation often featured on today's hottest crime shows. Now it's something more basic and, in many ways, more dangerous because it is more accessible. Kids often hack each other's social networks and alter the status message or send out phony messages in each other's names. Sometimes the hacked message is funny but many are inappropriate and others are downright mean. It's become the kind of slippery slope where you can literally see innocent intentions turn bad and friends turn to frenemies and then full scale enemies right before your eyes. This is one more issue responsible parents should be talking about with their kids before giving the green light to network socially and then again during and then again and again and again. If each one of us can convince our kids that hacking, even when it begins for fun, is wrong, then maybe the malignant side will be exposed more quickly and dealt with. As long as the majority of social networking kids view hacking a Facebook status as a funny thing to do, the slope will get slicker and people will get hurt.

Over the weekend, I enjoyed reading Ruby Red by Kirsten Gier. This international bestseller is a great choice for kids in 6th or 7th grade and up. There's a mystery, a lot of suspense, time travel, some historical highlights that are well placed within the time travel, realistic teenage friendship issues, angst, and romance. The link here to hacking? Well, the Guardians are tinkering with and manipulating a chronograph to control the time travel of the chosen few and it would seem that not all of the tinkering is so innocent. This is the first book in a trilogy and my only complaint with it is that I now have to wait for the second and third books to find out what really happens and what stories lie beneath the main one (because it's clear that there's a lot going on here and many details have yet to present themselves). I love the characters, not to mention the cover and the title!

The final crunch

One of my daughters told me last night that she needed my help with her homework. Only, not in the traditional way. Specifically, she needed me to help minimize distractions so she could study for her final exams. She wasn't asking me to keep her sisters quiet. Rather, she was asking me to keep an eye on her and make sure she wasn't drifting over to check Facebook or one of the blogs she follows, like Cupcakes and Cashmere (lest you think it was this blog luring her away). Throughout the school year she had all kinds of safeguards on her computer that would prevent her from checking in with her online world until homework was done. With the imminence of final exams, though, this was no longer enough to keep her in check. She needed me. On the one hand, I rejoiced in the fact that my assistance was being sought. It doesn't happen as much as it used to and, like most of us, I like feeling needed. On the other hand, I knew I was being set up and so did she. She acknowledged it. She told me she would get mad at me each time I reminded her to focus but that I needed to accept that this was just the way it would have to be and that deep down (and certainly by the end of next week) she'd be grateful. I'm not sure it's manipulation or even sabotage when all the cards are laid out on the table and everyone knows what they're getting into. We tried it for a little while and, as you can imagine, it didn't last too long. I have a fairly thick skin when it comes to my kids but I do have a breaking point and there's only so much scowling and growling I'm willing to take in one night. I suspect there will be more of this ridiculousness in place over the weekend so I thought it might be good to pace myself and her.

Learning how to study and developing awareness of yourself as a learner are important parts of growing up and critical to genuine scholarly development. Every once in a while, one of our daughters has a test to study for and Jeff and I try to suggest studying techniques. What works for one of us, though, may not work for someone else. I always find it useful to write things down and then read them aloud. Jeff has always been a pacer and, even now, when he prepares professionally (he is an attorney), he paces until he achieves the optimum level of comfort and conviction with his presentation. Some people work best in groups. Some people study with music. I think it's important to make our kids aware of the choices but then we have to let them choose whatever it is that works best for them. As long as they're flexible if it turns out not to work. And as long as they're not insisting on studying in front of the television. And as long as they're not lying down. And as long as the lights are on.

School is about more than test taking. It's about learning to learn, learning to participate in a collaborative society, learning to socialize respectfully, learning to make and deal with friends and learning about rules. How about the book Rules by Cynthia Lord?  Twelve-year old Catherine has an eight-year old autistic brother from who she creates rules, so he can understand how the world works. At times she is mortified by him and at times she is fiercely protective and at all times, she does a great deal of learning and growing herself and how the world really works.

Girls Who Wear Glasses

Some people look great in glasses. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. Never have been. I don't look particularly good in hats either but that's a story for another day. I'll never forget the day in 5th grade when my math teacher suggested I get my eyes checked because I was having trouble seeing the board from the back of the classroom. I remember testing my eyesight wherever I could in the days leading up to my checkup. I vividly remember the checkup, particularly the part when my eye doctor glanced at my mom and subtly nodded, at which point I burst into tears. I already had braces and acne and I was very tall for my age and up until that moment, didn't think life could get any worse! It did but then it got better. Eventually, it got a lot better. When I think back to those days, it gives me conviction and credibility when I assure my kids that no matter what's gnawing at them, it really does get better.

Among the measures that saved me were contact lenses. To this day, I can't imagine my life without them. But now I'm in my forties (well into my forties) and one of the things that starts happening is that, much like the rest of you, your eyes start to dry up. I am eternally indebted to the person who invented eye drops! Another thing that happens is that you start having trouble seeing things up close. And this one stinks because the only solution for this problem is GLASSES! Yes, I have entered the reading glasses phase of my life and I'm not entirely comfortable there yet. For the past several years, my eye doctor's first question at my annual eye checkup has been "how are you doing with reading?" Just fine, thank you. But not really. At least not anymore. After a year of asking one of my daughters to read menus to me at restaurants and squinting to the point of nearly shutting my eyes when I read, I stopped by the corner drugstore and quietly bought a pair of reading glasses. It took me back a million years to the first time I went shopping for glasses, which now that I think about it, affected me much the same way as shopping for bathing suits does - tears and ice cream, that's all I'm saying! I have to admit, though, that it's nice to know what you're ordering when you go out to dinner and a good story is a whole lot better if there's no physical pain to the reader (not to mention wrinkles; yet another story for another day). Still, I wasn't ready to go public with my new not-so-spectacular look until I was about to take the stage to give closing remarks at the 2011 Children's Choice Book Awards gala on May 2 and I realized that my vanity was less important than correctly reading the names of the many outstanding children's book authors and illustrators who joined us that night - people like Jarrett Krosoczka, Jon Scieszka, Katherine Paterson, Rick Riordan, Jeff Kinney, Laurie Halse Anderson, Suzanne Collins, Walter Dean Myers, R.L. Stine, Rebecca Stead, Holly Black, Cassandra Clare and many, many more. There are now photographs of me from that night, sporting my reading glasses, on the Internet. There's no going back now. That's okay, it's easier to participate in a world that you see clearly!

There are many books for young kids who wear glasses and while it would be easy to send you in that direction with a book recommendation, that's not what I intend to do. If you're looking for that type of book for an early elementary school age kid, try the Charlie and Lola book bu Lauren Child on the subject (I Really Absolutely Must Have Glasses). Here, though, I want to let you know about a fantasy novel for middle graders called Enchanted Glass by Diana Wynne Jone. This talented author sadly passed away at the end of March but left behind quite a legacy in the way of a treasure trove of wonderfully written books for children. This one has magic, an enchanted house, humor, fabulous and quirky characters and a great story. It has nothing whatsoever to do with glasses but it has the word "glass" in the title and like all good stories, it's a way of "seeing" and experiencing life

That's Good, That's Bad

My parenting self-check results fall along a spectrum. At one end, I get a little excessively self-congratulatory when I feel like I've had a great mommy moment. Those are the moments when you turn a situation with your kids into a teaching moment to which they seem to be tremendously receptive. Both the reception and the lesson eventually fade leaving you to wonder if anyone is actually listening. Ever. At the other end of the spectrum, I tend to be disproportionately hard on myself when I feel as though I've flubbed a situation or missed a teachable moment with my kids. Most of the time, I fall somewhere in between. I think it's good to set high parenting expectations of yourself but I also believe that nobody has yet to perfect parenting and it would be arrogant for any of us to think we're the ones to do it. We all make mistakes - we can hope that we don't make too many, that we learn from those we make and that those we make don't ruin our kids forever.

So, last week, I was guilty of a parenting gaff that, ironically, derived from a moment when I felt deserving of a parenting award. I talk to our kids frequently about the pressures and choices on the road ahead. I long ago told our daughters that they should feel free to blame things on me when they feel stuck in a situation and don't want to do something. I meant with friends. I was talking about peer pressure. I don't need to be cool to or even liked by their friends but I do need to be there for our girls so if using me as a scapegoat in sticky situations could be helpful, I was and remain all for it. But last week, after my daughter's school concert, she let me know that she had told her band teacher that she would not be continuing with band next year because her mother didn't want her to. What?! Of course she told me this just as the band teacher was approaching and (here comes the bad mommy moment) as I said hello to him, I fervently denied ever prohibiting her from participating in band next year. Our daughter was mortified. Actually, she was furious. She glared at me and said, "But you told us we could always blame things on you!". Hmmmmmmmm... not what I meant! To her credit, she allowed me both to apologize and explain. I really was sorry that I had embarrassed her and I hadn't meant to (as a rule, I believe embarrassing your kids is a parental prerogative and perk but only when you mean to do it). I explained that I actually made the offer to scapegoat myself for situations with friends and that in this particular case, the story she gave the teacher was so absurd that it wasn't believable anyhow. My explanations were, admittedly, a little on the weak side but I happen to have a great kid who quickly forgave me nonetheless and let me know that in the future I should just be clear about the scope of my offers. I could have and should have handled things a little differently. After all, don't we tell our kids to take a moment and think before opening their mouths? I leave it to you to decide for yourself how bad it was to have embarrassed a child in front of her teacher.

Somehow this scenario reminds me of a book I used to read to my kids when they were little that would crack us all up. Margery Cuyler's That's Good, That's Bad was a family favorite. I now have the pleasure of knowing Margery personally and think the world of her. The book (actually, there are a few of them, with varied themes) turns the concepts of "good" and "bad", not to mention "terror" and "relief" on their heads. Sometimes something seems good, then takes a turn for the bad and, surprisingly, turns back into good - hmmmmmm... sounds a lot like some of my parenting decisions!