“Self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it”

Every generation has its buzz words that begin as a favorable focal point for discussion and support and but eventually polarize an opinionated contingent that then brings their favor into question. For the current generation of parents, one such buzz word or phrase is "self esteem". It's unlikely that anyone really thinks believing in yourself is a bad thing yet contemporary parents are often criticized for making the self esteem of their children the core of their parenting.And it's not just parents, is it? Schools and leagues are criticized when medals and trophies are given to every child that participates rather than every child who wins. Are we telling our kids that they're all winners or there are no winners?

I think it's unfortunate that "self esteem" has become a lightening rod. It seems to me that the real fault does not lie with parents, teachers or caregivers who are encouraging children to feel good about themselves but, rather, with people who view the world only in terms of extremes and lose sight of the forest for the trees. It's perfectly fine to declare a winning team in a game or a winner in a competition. We are not doing our children any favors by shielding them from the competitive realities of life. But kids with good self esteem seem so much better equipped to handle those competitive realities! We all accomplish more when we feel better about ourselves and most of us have found feeling good about ourselves to be a challenge at one time or another (or more often than not). If your child knows that you believe in her ability to do something and that helps her believe in herself, then she just might accomplish the goals she's set for herself. What could possibly be the harm in that? We encourage the development of self esteem so that our children can set high expectations for themselves and work to reach them and so that they are armed with strength when they hit bumps and disappointments along the way.

I have always loved the Jamie Lee Curtis/Laura Cornell collaboration, I'm Gonna Like Me: Letting Off a Little Self Esteem. What's more, my kids used to love it too. We all enjoyed the rhymes and had a blast with the illustrations.The message was clear but delivered with humor and color and quirk!

One of the newer books that found its way to my office recently is Stand Straight Ella Kate by the sister team of Kate Klise and M. Sarah Klise. Before I realized that this book is a biographical account of the life of Ella Kate Ewing, who, born in 1872, suffered from gigantism and joined the circus, I thought it was a book written for tall kids; a reminder of the importance of good posture. I avoided it for the longest time. I was 5"7 by 5th grade and didn't need to read about someone else's struggles with being tall. One of our daughters is now strikingly tall (I emphasize "striking" because she also happens to be spectacularly beautiful) and I imagine she'd have rejected the book for the same reasons I did. I don't know what drew me to this book in the end but I'm grateful nonetheless. Ella Kate Ewing grew to 8"4. Despite comments, snickers and outright laughs, Ella Kate stood straight and proud, dreamed big and made the most amazing and remarkable life for herself. She traveled the world and became financially independent at a time when people didn't travel much and women were not yet considered full citizens. She believed in herself and made her own dreams come true. I think the key to developing self esteem is that you can only achieve and accomplish great things if you dream them up and believe in yourself and your ability to see them through. Self esteem is a an important ingredient in living the life you can and should live. Doesn't every child deserve to have good self esteem in their mix?

The silver lining of a snow day

To the delight of school children across the Tri-State area, the winter storm that was expected to hit last night hit. It hit big. Schools were closed and children rejoiced (none more than mine). Again. We awoke to a blanket of white covering New York City. Despite the natural beauty at first glance, I was prepared for a miserable and messy commute to work. The roads and sidewalks were slushy and slick and there was so much snow that shoveling paths so people could walk meant building enormous snow banks that were challenging to traverse. I expected the general mood to be foul, as the general mood in New York City has been all month in the face of the first brutal winter in years. Needless to say, I didn't know what to make of the fact that my commute was actually pleasant. I witnessed strangers sharing a laugh over their predicament. People were smiling at and helping one another along. It was hard not to appreciate and ultimate join in this camaraderie just as it was hard not to be enchanted by the golden sun causing the snow-covered treetops to glisten in the most fabulous way. Such a surprising morning! Sometimes it takes misery to bring out the best in people and when the best is brought out, it's contagious. It took me 20 minutes to walk to the subway this morning and during that time, I shared knowing glances, silent chuckles and expressions of gratitude with more than 20 people. Kindness can surely surface unexpectedly.

So, how's this for a segue? Today I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of the most delightful book, Suryia & Roscoe, written by Bhagavan "Doc" Antle with Thea Feldman, with photographs by Barry Bland. I am sad for you that the book will not be available for purchase until April but assure you that it's worth jotting down the name of this one. Roscoe is a Bluetick Coonhound who, as an underfed stray dog, wandered into The Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species (TIGERS) park in Myrtle Beach, S.C. in 2006. An orange orangutan named Suryia saw him, ran over and hugged him. They have been inseparable friends ever since. True story. Look at how an unexpected act of kindness can evolve. And just look at the photo to the right where Suryia has Roscoe on a leash. There are tons of photos like that in the book - the two of them hugging and cuddling, Roscoe teaching Suryia to swim and there's even a sweet shot of them kissing. I love this book!

Photo Credit: Katarina Krek

So if that story didn't sufficiently warm your heart, consider the photo to the left and ask yourself who said you can't play in the snow and read at the same time? The book being devoured by a fourth grader from Weston, MA in her “snow nook” is Barbara O’Connor’s How To Steal a Dog, winner of the William Allen White Children’s Book Award. How cute is this?

Are you being sarcastic?

When I was younger I used to think that sarcasm was the lowest form of humor. Cheap shots were for wimps that were lacking the intelligence to be truly witty. I'm not sure when I developed a taste for sarcasm but I am now most appreciative of a well-placed barb. While I know that I use sarcasm liberally as an adult, I was a little surprised when my kids called me on it recently. I took stock and realized that it's true - I've become very sarcastic in my 40's. But when one of the kids approaches me, like one did tonight, asking for my honest opinion of whether or not there will be a snow day tomorrow, a question I couldn't possibly answer and one that gets posed several times a week, and they weren't actually looking for an honest answer at all, I find it takes great restraint to hold back the snark. I mean, really, do I look like Al Roker? In any event, when your kids tell you that it's time to channel your gentler side, you should probably take them seriously. To be honest, I'm a little stumped as to how I set off on this course in the first place. I suppose the reality of life brought out the cynic in me and it's a short hop from cynicism to sarcasm. Still, while I can't say I'll be swearing off sarcasm entirely, I will be making an effort to tone it down with my kids.

I think my latent love of sarcastic humor developed, at least in part, through my love of children's books. I have to admit that my favorite picture books are the irreverent ones. I appreciate them because they are genius when it comes to wordplay and it is precisely the clever ability to play on words that appeals to me when it comes to sarcasm. Books written by Jon Scieszka and Mo Willems never disappoint. For the slightly older set, I love the cynicism and snarkiness in the Baby Mouse and Lunch Lady graphic novels. When it comes to YA books, let's face it, a sarcastic character is present in nearly all!

Try this clever tale on for size - take a look at What Really Happened to Humpty Dumpty by Jeanie Franz Ransom. The investigation into who pushed Humpty is full of suspects and puns.

Random Thoughts

We all have them. When we let our minds wander, we sometimes come up with silly thoughts that can make us laugh out loud. When we're kids or have kids, we think in terms of imagination and creativity. When we get older... well... you know.

Our kids, like many others, have always been masterful at creating games and imaginary worlds. Two of our daughters have named entire civilizations after themselves. One ends with the suffix "lantis" and the other with the suffix "tania". The prefix in each case is the child's name, in whole or part. I'd be more specific and reveal these ingenious names but I haven't fully lost my grip on reality - my intention is to celebrate creativity, not squelch it with embarrassment. They are the leaders in their lands - benevolent leaders - who have been known to build lands for their friends as well.

Creativity in children should most definitely be nurtured and applauded. So should creativity in adults. I think it's important to remind our kids as they get older that it is vital to keep their imagination alive. Creative adults are not just those who create art or music but rather those who see art in the way they view the world and the choices they make. When your perspective is limited to looking at things in a box, your view is limited. By looking or thinking outside of the box, you open your mind and create art, which provides for a more interesting and compelling way of thinking. It also expands the possibilities and potential of your thought process and creativity, making life a far more interesting experience.

I enjoy blogging because it provides me with a forum for expressing some of my own random thoughts. In a million years, though, I don't think you'd have convinced me that someone could turn silly and funny random thoughts into a publishable book. I guess it takes a very talented bestselling writer and a publisher willing to think outside of the box (though not too much because, let's face it, they were banking on a bestselling author) and let's not forget the illustrator who helps bring the quirkiness to life. The result is The Wonder Book, written by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and illustrated by Paul Schmid. It's an awesomely entertaining and incredibly clever collection of stories, short poems, lists, palindromes, word games and random observations. And it's a lot of fun to read out loud... together!

Who's Your Favorite?

If you have more than one child, then chances are pretty good that at some point in your life, you will be asked by at least one of them to declare your favorite. Note that this is markedly different from when your child, at any age, shouts, "You always take her side. You like her best" in the middle of a meltdown. No, I'm referring to those times when your child, with eyes full of love, asks you to be honest and make a choice. You respond that you don't have a favorite and he says he doesn't believe you. You tell her that you love and appreciate their differences and have heapfuls of love for each of them. She is not persuaded. You might even suggest to him that each child is your favorite sometimes but you and he both know that that's lame too.

I tell our kids that I hope each one feels as though she's the favorite and, being the favorite, I hope she's sensitive to the feelings of her sisters. I must have read that somewhere. I like the way it sounds. But it doesn't work. The truth is I really don't have a favorite and I really do have heapfuls of love for each of them. None of them is particularly satisfied with the response so when the inevitable eye roll comes around, I find it helpful to recall funny stories from when they were younger and the distraction is often hugely helpful. The subject often gets left hanging as we move onto another subject.

Several years ago, a friend of mine shared her experience with this issue and it remains one of my favorite anecdotes. Her middle child (of three) asked which of the three was the mom's favorite. The mom went through all the typical responses and the kid wouldn't let her off the hook. The mom finally said, "listen, you're  like the fingers on my hand; you're all different from one another but each one is special in his or her own way and I need and love each one of you and can't imagine my life without any of you." Her daughter, who was 4 at the time, looked up at her mom with big beautiful brown eyes, open wide, and said, "my favorite is my thumb".

Thumb lovers should take a look at Elise Primavera's Thumb Love. This is the story of Lulu and the thumb that she loved. Lulu was a chronic thumb-sucker. We spend the first half of the book cheering for Lulu and the thumb she loves and the second half of the book cheering for Lulu as she develops and implements a 12-step program to cure her addiction (and doesn't give up even when taunted by her thumb). It's a fun picture book that's perfect for thumb-suckers, people who know thumb-suckers, and people who love to laugh out loud.

Best friends for life

The book Real Live Boyfriends, featured in this blog earlier this week, spends a lot of time considering issues like love, popularity and friendships. The protagonist of this book and the three that preceded it is Ruby Oliver, nicknamed Roo. When author Emily Lockhart stopped by Robin's Roundup on her blog tour, I asked about the derivation of Roo's name, wondering if it came from Winnie the Pooh's little friend. Emily's reply exposed the fact that I had not read the prior books in the series (which was a little embarrassing though I am now sufficiently intrigued and entertained to go back and remedy that situation). She explained that

Kim is Kanga and Roo is Roo -- in the early days of their friendship, back when they were young enough to read Winnie the Pooh.  This was true of me and my best friend in elementary school.  We never had a falling out, though -- I just used the names to show the close connection the girls had, so that when their friendship collapses, readers can retain a sense of what Ruby is losing.

The Kim character referenced above is Roo's former best friend with whom she reunites in Real Live Boyfriends. The Winnie the Pooh reference resonated with me and got me thinking about and appreciating  some of my oldest and closest friends. Then some eerie parallel universe strangeness occurred. You may recall my mentioning in an earlier post that we will soon be celebrating a milestone in the lives of our twin 12-year old daughters. We will celebrate their becoming B'not Mitzvah (the female, plural equivalent of Bat Mitzvah, which is the female quasi-equivalent of the Bar Mitzvah). As I was considering Emily's response, one of my closest friends since I was 12 years old emailed to check in, ask about the B'not Mitzvah celebration, and let me know she and her husband would be coming from Montreal to New York City to celebrate with us. While she always has and always will mean the world to me and we have remained very close, I didn't realize how much having her here would mean to me. It means so much and I'm very excited!

As our children go through different stages: preschool to kindergarten, elementary school to middle school, middle school to high school and the many transitions yet to come, I explain that they will make new friends at each stage, that the bonds of old friendships will sometimes strengthen and that they will find that, though they don't always see it coming, some friendships will end along the way. I hope they are fortunate enough to maintain just a few of those lifelong friendships - those people who know things about you you've long forgotten and who can revive a latent memory with a single word or gesture.You make new friends at every stage but you don't get to go back and make old friends. I am exceedingly grateful to have the old, newer and new friends that I have. My wish for my children is that they will have the same good fortune.


With so many books about friends it's not difficult to find a book to recommend that works with this post. I am tempted to focus on new books yet I've discussed old friends and, to me, that means I've got to stick with my all-time, tried and true faves. Nothing speaks of friendship to me like Winnie-the-Pooh and Charlotte's Web - like old friends themselves - cherished and true!

Just a note before I close about a little scheduling change for this blog. Since the inception of the blog, I have posted nearly every day. Going forward, I will not be posting over the weekend. I will not post Friday and Saturday nights but will be back at my computer every Sunday night to provide you with a thought or two when you check back in on Monday morning. With that - have a great weekend!

BTW...

Few television shows have led to as much hysterical laughter and frequent quoting in our household as the current hit comedy, Modern Family. This "mockumentary" follows one big (straight, gay, multi-cultural, traditional) happy family. Our kids never tire of repeating one of their favorite Phil Dunphy-isms (Phil Dunphy being the dad/husband of the traditional family - mom, dad, 3 kids - featured on the show); it was the time Phil declared, "I'm the cool dad. That's my thang. I'm hip. I surf the Web, I text LOL= laugh out loud OMG= Oh my God WTF=Why the face".  I've already blogged about the terminal uncoolness of parents (at least in the eyes of their kids) so this one is about the abuse of acronyms and abbreviations by kids today. Text speak is full of them and I have to wonder how many misunderstandings arise from a misinterpretation of someone else's abbreves (that, according to our 14 year old, is the abbreviation of "abbreviation").

When the trend first took hold, I lamented the death of real words and, despite studies to the contrary, I've been a little concerned about the impact on spelling and the formulation of complete sentences. But something funny happened not too long ago. A friend emailed me about something extraordinary and I realized that the most appropriate answer I could email back was "OMG". I was more than a little shocked by the ease with which I was able to transition to trendy jargon after that. I was blown away by the speed with which you can text when "you" becomes "u". I kind of loved the fact that you could sometimes reply to a text with a smiley face and no words at all to get a point across. Then the inevitable happened. One of my daughters heard me utter "OMG" aloud and I was thereafter forbidden from ever saying or writing OMG again. Truth be told, I still occasionally type it - just never in an email or text message to any of our kids. I was subsequently banned from using text message shorthand in my texts to them (I had tried to abbreviate "you're" and typed "u'r" which should have been "ur" because punctuation is out and it was just too much for them to handle). I was amazed to learn that a number of websites provide "dictionaries" for learning this bizarre new language. Text For Free has been a good resource for me. TMWFI or go check it out for yourself!

When ur done learning the shorthand, considering showing your kids just how in the know you are by suggesting that they read NERDS or The DUFF. NERDS is a new series written by Michael Buckley, author of the popular series The Sisters Grimm. NERDS stands for National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society. It's about a group of unpopular students who run a spy network from inside their school. It's a middle grade series. The second book just came out in September 2010.


DUFF, horribly enough, stands for "designated ugly fat friend" according to the urban dictionary, another helpful resource. The DUFF is a YA novel written by 19 year old Kody Keplinger about 17 year old Bianca who, we learn, is neither ugly nor fat but nonetheless bears the unfortunate moniker.