Because I said so!

Parents must sometimes make decisions in the best interests of their child or family that the child does not support. Most of us recognize that you can't always please your children (Ha! Remember, I have 3 teenager girls, making this the understatement of the century!) but many of us still try, on some level, to reason with our children and make them understand why we have made the decisions we have made. Speaking for myself, I think I do this primarily out of respect for my kids and belief in their ability to understand reason and secondarily because, on some probably unattainable level, I'm hoping for a break through and a child that embraces the decision they initially abhorred. Ridiculous, I know! If all else fails, I am a proponent of "because I said so". It is a gift to parents that should neither be undervalued nor avoided. Sometimes, it's all you've got.The bottom line is that, as parents, we sign on for a lot and wear many hats but none is a "cool" hat or a "best friend to our kids" hat or even a "popular with our kids" hat. While we may change hats regularly or wear many simultaneously, it seems to me that parents may never shed the "best interests of my child" hat or "strong advocate for my child" hat and with each of those hats comes the responsibility of paying close attention and sometimes making tough decisions.

A friend recently told me that she is thinking about moving. She is a single mom of two middle graders and has decided that at this time in her life, she and her children need to live closer to her aging mother. She knows her children will not greet news of their impending move gleefully but she also knows that she is the decision-maker for the family and that children are adaptable, even when they're certain they are not. She also knows that the benefits of the proposed move will far outweigh the costs. I admire this woman greatly. It's not as easy as it may sound to put your child's feelings (and even protests) aside to lay down the law and force everyone to step in line. Not too long ago, Jeff and I agreed that it was time for one of our children to change schools. The child in question has never been one to embrace change and she felt safe, secure and extremely comfortable where she was. She hated the idea of leaving her school and made her feelings abundantly clear but we knew that the change was necessary and that she would thrive in a different environment. When we took her around to see different schools, she did what she could to sabotage potential admission but was admitted to several schools in spite of herself. She made no secret of the fact that she was furious with us and it would take a long time for her to forgive us (if ever). Six weeks into her new school, she let us know how grateful and happy she was to be there. We agreed that as soon as she felt she loved her new school, then she could buy a school sweatshirt. By the end of her first year, she had a whole school wardrobe.

Making tough, frequently unpopular, decisions like moving homes or changing schools are possible when they're thoughtfully considered and necessary. Kids do adapt and when they do, no matter how fierce their initial resistance, they may even bask in the reassurance that someone really is looking out for them. And their resourcefulness to deal with change may surprise you. If you're contemplating a big change and want to help your youngster cope, consider picking up a copy of Neville by Norton Juster (author of The Phantom Tollbooth), illustrated by G. Brian Karas. The title character in this story moves to a new town and creatively gets his name known.

My mom went to _________ and all she got me was this lousy t-shirt.

On my way home a couple of weeks ago, I slipped into Shakespeare & Co., a bookstore on Lexington Avenue between 68th and 69th Streets in Manhattan. I love this store. Sometimes I take a particular subway route home after work just so I can stop by this treasure trove and see what they've got. My visits are part field research so I know which children's and young adult titles bookstores are betting on and part me-time pleasure. On this particular visit, I was lured in by a series of t-shirts hanging in the window, each with a different title of a classic novel. One featured title was S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders. This particular book has special status in my home. I loved it when I was younger and appreciated it in a whole new way when one of our 13 year-olds read it for school last year and became obsessed. I would bet that when she's my age, if asked what book from her youth changed her life, her answer would unequivocally be The Outsiders. How exciting for both of us that we will meet author S.E. Hinton at the next Children's Choice Book Awards gala on May 7, 2012! But I digress. The t-shirt.... I walked in and walked straight up to the front counter to ask where I could find The Outsiders t-shirt. I proceeded to tell her how my daughter was going to flip when she saw this. The woman behind the counter and her friend who had been hovering nearby congratulated me on being such a good mom because only good parents could raise a child that would get excited about t-shirts based on books. I'll admit it. I was feeling pretty good. Just that day Thomas Friedman has a piece published in the New York Times asking, "How About Better Parents?". Friedman insisted that parents more focused on their children's education could make a huge difference in a student's achievement. He went on to discuss a study by which the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (O.E.C.D) conducted exams as part of the Program for International Student Assessment, or PISA, which tests 15-year-olds in the world’s leading industrialized nations on their reading comprehension and ability to use what they’ve learned in math and science to solve real problems. Among many interesting and thought-provoking findings was the clear conclusion that reading to your children on a regular base when they are young and parental involvement (like asking your child about his or her day) make a huge difference in terms of their abilities and accomplishments in later years. These propositions seem a little anti-climactic at first glance and then a little more shocking when you face the fact that many parents still don't get it. I'm not sure how you go about changing that since even a compelling article like Friedman's is likely only going to be read by those parents who are already reading to their children and connecting with them. Yet, how can we do anything other than keep trying to spread the word. Books and reading make a difference; engaged and involved parents change the game.

Back to that t-shirt. You know how sometimes you imagine the way something will go down and you're sure you've got it right only to find out you were completely wrong? Well, that's what happened with the t-shirt. I was beyond excited as I handed it to its intended recipient who took one look at the design and asked, "what does this have to do with The Outsiders?. I mean, I'd love it if it had anything to do with the book."  I was ready to get all defensive when I took a look (probably for the first time) at the t-shirt I had purchased only hours before. She was right, of course. It had nothing to do with her beloved book. She was remarkably unimpressed by the t-shirt. What I really should have done was walk into that store and buy her a copy of Carolyn Mackler and Jay Asher's fabulous new novel, The Future of Us. I know she'll love it - all teenagers will (it's the story of two teenagers in the pre-Facebook era who discover their future selves on Facebook fifteen years in the future) - it also has nothing to do with The Outsiders but it's a great book that I'm pretty sure she'll connect with and I'm hopeful that her enjoyment of this book will erase the blah-ness of the t-shirt. More on The Future of Us in another post - it's entirely deserving of its own post!

Cookies for a Cause

Many schools in our area now include community service as a requirement for students. At some schools, community service is incorporated into the curriculum and at others, the onus is on the students to find a way to give back. No matter how you slice it, I'm in favor. Participating in and giving back to your community is critically important to both the participant and the community. The earlier you start thinking of community involvement as integral to your identity, the better off we will all be. I am deeply appreciative of the opportunities our children's schools give them to help others and I feel strongly that the modeling and opportunities should come from both the home and the school. The approach to community service taken by Riverdale Country School's Middle School is particularly impressive and should serve as a model for other schools. There are school-wide community service days. The school also mandates attendance at and participation in a middle school-wide community action program. In addition, each grade participates in their own program and each advisory group/homeroom/homebase is responsible for a separate program that they choose, develop and administer. Finally, each student is responsible for individual community service. This program considers the community in which the student is a member at different levels and expects involvement at every level. I love it!!!

Recently at a parent grade meeting, the seventh grade dean at Riverdale Country School described the multiple facets of the community service program in the seventh grade. She explained that at the homebase level, the smaller groups of kids would select and devise their activities and that she was hoping to steer them away from the traditional bake sale. Bake sales and lemonade stands are time-honored, tried-and-true traditions but this year's seventh grade is encouraged to think more broadly and consider programs that require some engagement in the community they are seeking to assist beyond presenting a check or an envelope with cash - like painting a school or community center or reading to younger children or donating books, toys and clothing. So much good work to be done!

Though off limits this year to our seventh-grader, the bake sale remains a favorite way for kids to raise money for a cause. Pick up a copy of Jarrett J. Krosoczka's Lunch Lady and the Bake Sale Bandit to read with your 3rd-5th grader and follow Lunch Lady and the Breakfast Bunch hot on the trail of missing goodies from the bake sale intended to raise money for an all-important field trip! And while you're at it, pick up a copy of Sara Varon's Bake Sale to enjoy with that same child and experience the life and dreams of bakery owner Cupcake who is in a baking slump and wants desperately to meet the famous pastry chef, Turkish Delight. These bake sale selections are both in the form of comic books/graphic novels and each goes well with a generous serving of fresh baked cookies!

You are more than your grades

When I was younger (much), I attended an elementary school where we did not receive report cards. Tests were graded, of course, and every student had a fairly good idea of how they measured up academically but no one was reduced to a grade and no one knew exactly where they ranked. A lot of parents were and are uncomfortable with the prospect of no report cards. I'm not. I think that grades are just one part of the story of "Child as Student" and only a very tiny part of the story of "Child as Person".  It's hard to convince your kids they are not defined by their grades when their grades are staring them in the face. It's challenging to tell them that grades aren't everything when both you and they jump for joy at every A. I worry that I sometimes send a conflicting message because I do not get angry or upset by low grades and may appear laid back about school performance when, in reality, I am well aware of the competition that lies ahead and want to be sure our kids are always doing the very best that they can. That's the key, isn't it - the very best possible. The letters on a report card tell me a story about how well our children understand material they learn or how well they take tests. If someone receives a low grade, we can dig a little deeper to figure out if there is something going on. It should offer some guidance into what the student may need to review or how. I don't want to hear any of my children apologizing if they do not get an A. What I want to hear is the figurative grunt of a good day's work. I want each of our daughters to understand the importance of putting her best foot forward every time she goes out. If that foot steps in a puddle, so be it - dry off and pay closer attention next time.

Since our oldest daughter brought home the masterpiece known as Frindle home several years ago, I have been a huge fan of author Andrew Clements (who, incidentally, has recently agreed to present an award at the 2012 Children's Choice Book Awards and I'm so excited that I'll be meeting him in May). He's one of those awesome young-middle grade authors who has a book for everything and they all extol the power of children to make a difference. Pick up a copy of The Report Card by Andrew Clements, illustrated by the amazing Brian Selznick, and you (and your child, duh!) will not be disappointed.

You're on my list!

I recently had a parenting breakthrough and I'm eager to share my genius with you. It emanated from the fact that, at 45, I have a lousy memory. When I complain to my children that they treat me like a slave, a bank or a non-person, they always ask for examples. I am no longer able to back up my claims with evidence on the spot so I've had to get creative. I let the girls know that I am now keeping a list. All behavior that disrespects me, together with the name of the perpetrator and the date of the offense, goes on the list. Here's the amazing thing - for an entire week after I first referenced the list, there were almost no offenses at all. The list was an awesome deterrent. Who knew?! It wasn't until the second week that the existence of the list was even questioned and it wasn't until the third week that anyone thought to ask about the consequences of landing on the list. The list is, in fact, real. It's in a small green notebook that I carry around. Part of the notebook is reserved for sweet and funny things the kids do so I can recall them easily when we play "remember when"; part of the book contains a running list of things I need to pick up and attend to (ranging from buying more hair conditioner to a growing list of bar and bat  mitzvah gifts that we have not yet sent); part of the book just has work notes and thoughts; and part of the book houses my list under the heading "Disrespect Examples". I used to panic if I couldn't find my Blackberry because it contains all my contacts and my calendar but my green notebook has become far more valuable!

Bonjour et Bienvenue!

I apologize for the lapse since my last blog post. I apologize mostly to my mother who worries that something is wrong when I haven't posted in a while.  Nothing is wrong. All is good. Like most people I know, though, my life is a spectrum of varying levels of insanity and chaos and when my schedule hits the extreme end of the spectrum, I start dropping balls. Today, I'm picking them up.

A few weeks ago, upon posting my most recent past blog post, I fully expected to post daily from that day on and chronicle our family's 10-day experience hosting a foreign exchange student. The whirlwind of activity that began around 11 pm on Tuesday, October 25th threw me for a loop and resulted in a change of plans. Our student left last Friday, though - just in time for the rest of us to rally behind Jeff who, superhumanly, ran the NYC marathon for the third time on Sunday - and now I'm back to recap. I should start by acknowledging that we won the foreign exchange student jackpot. Our 13-year old young lady from Bordeaux, France was intelligent, interested, interesting, fun, kind and exceptionally polite. It was a pleasure to have her in our home and to see our city through her eyes. I expected the experience to be a positive one for our family and hoped that our children would benefit greatly from the experience. It was and they did. We all did. I will admit, though, that I didn't fully realize how demanding this adventure would be (for me, I mean). It's not easy for anyone to be "on" all the time and, as much as I appreciated the opportunity to practice speaking French, it's is particularly difficult to be "on" in a language other than your mother tongue. Our daughter, with whom the exchange student was paired, was performing in her school play (which was awesome) and mending a badly sprained ankle during the visit, which made things more challenging than they might have otherwise been. In addition, our daughter does not speak a word of French. None of our kids do. And that was a challenge as well. Still, on the first night, when we all sat down to dinner together, somehow teenage girls from different worlds, speaking different languages, were able to communicate the fact that mean girls exist in all of their schools and none of them had any desire to be part of "that" crowd. It was fascinating and fabulous.

The experience really did teach everyone to be a little more sensitive and a little more flexible. It also taught me that, in an effort to make our guest feel comfortable and make my own family look good, I am perfectly capable  of not yelling at my kids for 10 whole days. C'est bon!

Way back when I was in school, we read Antione de Saint-Exupery's The Little Prince. Actually, we read it in French, Le Petit Prince (not boasting; it's just that I grew up in Montreal), and it has turned out to be one of those classic stories forever etched in my memory. In English or the original French, it's a highly recommended adventure. If you want a slower start at the French language with your younger child, I suggest you pick up a copy of  Fancy Nancy: Bonjour Butterfly. by Jane O'Connor, illustrated by Robin Preiss Glasser. That Fancy Nancy - she's always a crowd pleaser!

What I'm Reading Now

I recently finished a captivating young adult novel that I highly recommend, Gabrielle Zevin's All These Things I've Done. It's set in future New York where the phrase "OMG" is a relic and coffee and chocolate are illegal. Combine this dystopian backdrop with an old fashioned crime drama and a forbidden romance and you have an incredibly addictive read. Gabrielle Zevin will be co-hosting our Annual Extreme Trivia Challenge in just a few weeks and, while that's an event where trivia questions are posed to players from the CBC's member publishing houses, my questions are all for Gabrielle - most notably, how soon can I get my hands on the sequel?! Meanwhile, if meeting Gabrielle Zevin that evening isn't exciting enough (which it, most assuredly, is), her co-host will be the amazing Carolyn Mackler. It just so happens that these two women have published books with the best titles ever. Carolyn Mackler is the author of The Earth, My Butt and Other Big Round Things and Gabrielle Zevin is the author of Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac.

When I read a satisfying book and know that I'll have to wait some time for the sequel (Fall 2012, I believe), I often opt for non-fiction as a follow-up. My current choice reads like fiction but is actually a very thorough and amazing "biography" of Cancer. Siddhartha Mukherjee's The Emperor of All Maladies presents Cancer as an antagonist with a story to tell through its relationships to the wider biological and animal world that is also, inexorably, our story. Though the style, format and purpose vary greatly, I couldn't help but think of Markus Zusak's The Book Thief when I was first introduced to Cancer. The Book Thief, you may recall, was narrated by death.I am glad that death does not narrate this one!

If , like me, you are intrigued by Siddhartha Mukherjee's book and like the idea of offering your child something to read that may invite discussion, may I suggest Okay for Now by Gary Schmidt? Seriously, it's sooooooo good. This ambitious young adult novel seems like it could work for anyone roughly 10 years old and up (way up). It runs through a multitude of themes and happenings and seamlessly weaves together so many different story threads, including one about cancer. If parallel reading doesn't work for you, then you and the children in your life may just want to read Okay for Now together.